Apprehension

The holidays are quickly approaching and I’m feeling apprehensive. I haven’t spent Thanksgiving with my family in nine years. Family gatherings have been a bit triggering because I feel the absence of X the most at those times. Not that I miss him, but sometimes I do miss that closeness.

I’m also nervous about the memories. Looking back on our awful Thanksgiving from last year, I know now X had already decided to leave me. We went to his friend’s house. I brought a turkey craft I had made at school to give as a gift. When we walked in, I said, “I brought the turkey!” They all just kind of looked at me and then returned to what they were doing. And that was it. I sat on the outside watching strangers make pizza. And when I told X I was ready to go, because I just couldn’t do it any more (I think I put in a good three hours), he said nothing to me the car ride home. He made no gesture of affection. It was a very painful, hurtful night. Just typing this, I had to stop so I could cry.

Then there’s Christmas. X told me he didn’t love me three days before Christmas. He went to stay in a hotel Christmas Eve, because I told him I had been looking so forward to Christmas with him, a day with no other obligations. It was always my favorite day, just him, me and Moose. And I told him if he couldn’t be present with me, then he couldn’t be in the house. So he left. He made the choice not to spend the day with me. I had to survive it. I had to wake up and force myself to make a good breakfast. I had to open presents alone. I had to walk Moose alone. He called me once, as I was beginning my walk with Moose. He told me he told his mother that he wasn’t throwing in the towel. That was also a lie. A lie to make it look like he was trying. A lie so others wouldn’t see the secrets of the other woman. That lie gave me some hope. It was false hope.

I love Christmas. It’s my favorite time of year. I’ve always loved decorating the tree, and having a quiet day with my husband and animals. I don’t know how I will do it this year. I don’t want this event to ruin Christmas for me. I just need to figure out how to get through this first Christmas.

One thought on “Apprehension

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  1. I’m sorry you’re apprehensive. The good news is by the sounds of it your last holidays with him sucked so it won’t be difficult to improve upon them.

    I have two kids so I’ve never been alone on the holidays. From what I’ve read though, the key is to take back the holiday and create your own traditions.

    Are you near family? If not, or if spending the holidays with them doesn’t sound appealing, maybe you could spend it with friends. It looks like you have a really great group that rallies around you. And if all else fails you can always decide to do whatever you want- go out to eat, watch movies all day, volunteer, run a holiday 5k, get crafty all day, whatever you want. It’s all about taking it back and making it yours. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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