The holidays are quickly approaching and I’m feeling apprehensive. I haven’t spent Thanksgiving with my family in nine years. Family gatherings have been a bit triggering because I feel the absence of X the most at those times. Not that I miss him, but sometimes I do miss that closeness.
I’m also nervous about the memories. Looking back on our awful Thanksgiving from last year, I know now X had already decided to leave me. We went to his friend’s house. I brought a turkey craft I had made at school to give as a gift. When we walked in, I said, “I brought the turkey!” They all just kind of looked at me and then returned to what they were doing. And that was it. I sat on the outside watching strangers make pizza. And when I told X I was ready to go, because I just couldn’t do it any more (I think I put in a good three hours), he said nothing to me the car ride home. He made no gesture of affection. It was a very painful, hurtful night. Just typing this, I had to stop so I could cry.
Then there’s Christmas. X told me he didn’t love me three days before Christmas. He went to stay in a hotel Christmas Eve, because I told him I had been looking so forward to Christmas with him, a day with no other obligations. It was always my favorite day, just him, me and Moose. And I told him if he couldn’t be present with me, then he couldn’t be in the house. So he left. He made the choice not to spend the day with me. I had to survive it. I had to wake up and force myself to make a good breakfast. I had to open presents alone. I had to walk Moose alone. He called me once, as I was beginning my walk with Moose. He told me he told his mother that he wasn’t throwing in the towel. That was also a lie. A lie to make it look like he was trying. A lie so others wouldn’t see the secrets of the other woman. That lie gave me some hope. It was false hope.
I love Christmas. It’s my favorite time of year. I’ve always loved decorating the tree, and having a quiet day with my husband and animals. I don’t know how I will do it this year. I don’t want this event to ruin Christmas for me. I just need to figure out how to get through this first Christmas.