I had been in a real funk for the past month or so. Really, funk is an understatement. I think I was staight-up depressed. I didn’t want to teach. I didn’t want to be alone, and I was miserable because I was always alone.
I’m not totally sure what changed, but I am feeling better this week. The other day I remembered the swings that would happen around months 3, 4, 5 and 6. I’d have a good day, then a horrible day; then a good few days, and a tough couple of days. The stretches got longer but I would still swing up and down. I think this is normal, and I wonder if maybe I’m currently in a swing up.
One thing I know has changed a bit is my mindset. I have been listening to Jo Boaler’s latest book Limitless Mind. I listen every morning on my way to work. I think not listening to politics and the news so much may be helping. But this book is really coming to me at the perfect time. Boaler is a researcher at Stanford and she studies and designs math programs and approaches to teaching that help students learn math. I was privileged to spend a day in a workshop with her in Alaska and love using her work in my own class. In the book, Boaler is sharing the research on how our minds can change. They are plastic and not fixed.
I knew this already. But the research studies are fascinating and are giving me hope! Like one study about how people who just thought they were exercising enough were healthier than the people who didn’t think they were exercising enough, even though they exercised the same amount. I just really feel like the things that have been getting me down, or have honestly been a bit hurtful, I can change my mindset around them. It feels like I have control over my life in a way I haven’t felt before. Like ever! I’ve been thinking about my writing dream and how scared I am that I’m not good enough. But lately I’ve been thinking about how I can learn, and the only way to do that is to dive in, try some things, and see what works for me. I feel like I can stick to my weight loss plan, and plan to live a more active life. I actually believe I can do it. I’m not feeling the doubts I was. I don’t know if this is a manic type episode after a long time in the struggle gutter. But I feel good and I feel like I have some power over my life. My mind is Limitless. I can make it what I want!