The Day After

I felt oddly strong on the day of the hearing. Not defiant or angry or puffed up. Just with my feet firmly planted. Even afterward, it was a bit surreal, but okay.

Then the day after hit me like a ton of bricks. It was really real. I am divorced. This all really happened and I will probably never see him again.

I spent the day feeling really low. I had a bit of an emotional hangover from the day before and spent most of the day crying. As the day progressed, the sadness turned into panic. I again began ruminating on all I’ve lost. I really felt my age, felt my prospects for being a mom slipping, felt the dread of having to put myself out there to find a partner to have kids with. I even, I’m ashamed to admit, went on match.com and started “browsing.” It was an awful feeling. Really, how am I ever going to be able to put myself out there like that again?

That night, I honestly couldn’t wait for bedtime to arrive so I could be done with the day.

The days after have been better. I’ve been able to visit with friends on both days. That really helps. Also, I realized that I have been living alone for almost 6 months now. And what’s amazing is I actually really like it. My home is my sanctuary where I can be alone and do what I want in my space. I really like the way that feels.

So who knows. Maybe I’ll be an old schoolmarm who raises Newfoundlands, has a couple of cats, crafts with wool and writes children’s books. And maybe I’ll try fostering kids for a while. I’d like to do that. I think a kiddo would be lucky to have the love I have to give, and I’d be lucky to have a kiddo in my life. Maybe that’s all I need.

I really do know this is all a bit of crazy-talk. I’m scared and sad and have no idea what is next for me. And I’m angry that this choice was made without my input. I had no control over it. It makes me feel like I have no real control over what happens next, either. And in some ways, I really don’t. I have to just take it one step at a time. Though honestly, taking things one step at a time is getting kind of old…

But that’s what I’ll continue to do. I’m going to pull all my stuff for the yard sale and price it tonight and tomorrow. I’ve got therapy in the morning (thank goodness!) and then Saturday I’ll try to sell everything! Hopefully that makes things feel a bit more empty in the house and like I can keep moving forward.

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