The Hearing

Yesterday was my divorce hearing. Until yesterday, I had been extremely nervous. I dreaded seeing him. I also was a bit scared about what the next part of my life looks like after it is really over. The weekend before was spent crying sobbing over his rejection. But Sunday night I dreamed of X and I on a raft, struggling to paddle in different directions as a sea monster tried to tip our boat. (I know, doesn’t take a rocket scientist to find the meaning in that dream). Then I awoke and felt like I just knew I could do this myself. Even though I cried yesterday morning, they were soft tears that just came and went.

The hearing was hard. But my attorney was friendly, as were the clerks and the judge. Seeing X was also hard. But I went in repeating my chosen mantra (thank you Brene Brown!) “Strong back, soft heart, stand your sacred ground” over and over, and I really think it helped.

At the end of the hearing, X and I walked out together and rode the elevator. I chose to say some things to him. It was brief and not meant to attack. I felt like, for my own dignity, I needed to say, to his face, that it didn’t need to be like this. That I had loved him deeply. And that, yes, I was imperfect. But I didn’t deserve this.

Then I walked out of the courthouse and into the arms of friends waiting for me. I felt strong and sad. But okay. I was okay.

My amazing group of friends then joined me for drinks at a fun, outside bar. We had fruity drinks and they brought snacks. We visited and sat and I just took some deep breaths. Friends who sit with you even in weird situations that aren’t quite celebrations, and aren’t quite moments of grief are the best friends anyone could ask for. I feel so blessed for the time and love and energy they have all offered over the past five months.

Now, today, I keep moving forward. I spent the morning working on applying for certification back east. I made a healthy, late, breakfast. I drank a bunch of water, did pilates, and cried. It really is just very sad. I’m sad that he didn’t love me. I’m sad our marriage is over and that I have to leave. I’m sad because I really did love him so very much. It’s hard to have that end.