An Odd Bit of Optimism

Lately I’ve been imagining the possibilities for my future and for the most part, I am feeling hopeful. One thing I’ve always struggled with is believing that people don’t really like me or I’ll never find someone who loves me. So when X and I fell in love, it felt like a miracle! Even as we were together, I felt there was no one else who could love me like he did. Now I don’t feel that way. I mean, I have moments where I’m afraid I’ll always be alone. But in general I finally see myself as kind of great. Of course it’s possible that someone will love me!

But more than relationships, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. I have always wanted to be a writer. This blog feels like I’m starting to build a daily writing habit. I can see myself writing in a way I haven’t before. I can attend workshops and take classes and join writing groups. I see possibilities.

I also have recently remembered a dream I had a long time ago that I forgot along the way. I’ve always wanted to make all the things in my house; build my own furniture, make my own dishes, blow my own glass, paint my own wall art, build a canoe, etc. I took a wheel class this past week and made a bowl and a mug. I loved it so much that I now want a wheel and kiln!

I can see me as active – I’ve already lost 25 lbs since he left and there’s no stopping me! I am more active now and am so excited for the summer so I can canoe and hike and camp with my puppers.

It’s so strange – even as I feel broken, I feel strong and capable and like I get to write the next chapter in my story however I want!