I’ve been thinking of all the things I want to say to him. For instance, I came up with this email:
You are a horrible piece of shit. Your lying, cheating asshole self is the most horrible thing to ever happen to me. You know what an affair does to people! How can you be so okay with what you’ve done? You lying sack of shit. Burn in hell.
Of course, he was also an incredibly important person in my life for so long. I loved him so deeply. And I’m proud to have done that and the way I did that, even though it was imperfect. So it’s not totally true that he’s the most horrible thing to ever happen to me. Maybe I could revise it to say he did the most horrible thing ever to me?
Then I came up with this gem:
Oh by the way, some friends of mine were looking at your most recent pictures of your fuckbuddy on your landscape photography website. They thought maybe posting so much evidence of your affair takes away from the whole landscape thing. Thought I’d share the feedback!
Then tonight, I thought about emailing him and saying:
Is there any other business that we need to take care of? If so, I want to do it all in one fell swoop. I can’t bare to see your name show up in my email. I just need you out of my life. So let me know if there’s another reason we need to talk! Otherwise, I’m done.
But the truth is, none of that is what I will say. I mean, honestly, what would it do? It doesn’t change what he did. It won’t change that he continues to be with her, and shamelessly post pictures of her publicly beginning a month after he left me. It won’t change the fact that he left me when I was struggling. It just doesn’t change anything.
So I’ll reply to the stupid email about paying off my share of the credit card matter of factly. I won’t say all the things on my mind. I’ll just keep taking small steps forward on my own.