It’s All In A Name

There’s a little story behind the long-ass name of my blog. Four years into our relationship, X and I got married. In fact, he graduated from college, we got married, and then we moved to Alaska, all in the same summer. Not only did we move to Alaska, but we moved into a dry cabin, which means we had no running water. It was adventurous, we were getting closer by the second, we were funny and odd. It was marvelous, really. I felt like moving away from family was going to be good for our marriage, because we would be able to shape it how we wanted. One day we were in our cabin, laughing about some strange thing we were doing, and we joked about being a fly on the wall of our life and how funny it would be to others. I suggested we start a blog!! We’d have funny sketch comics like The Oatmeal, but of real marital shenanigans! We could do it together!

But, as with many things in our marriage, it never happened. I had ideas, I shared, but he never really seemed to be in to it.

So I’m taking it back! I’m claiming the idea and writing about my divorce and sharing the day to day of this process for me. Unfortunately, there won’t be a lot of funny moments. It’s mostly sad and infuriating. But who knows, I’ll certainly be looking for the funny moments anywhere I can find them! I may even try my hand at a bad comic.

Here’s one from Cyanide and Happiness that is remarkably spot on…

Image result for divorce comic

The Gist of It

As you can tell from my blog title, I am currently going through a divorce. After thirteen years as partners, eight and a half years married, X told me he wasn’t in love with me any more. In fact, he hadn’t been in love with me for a while. His reasons were all over the place – I had anger issues, it wasn’t my fault, he wanted to spend more time climbing and hiking, and he just was unhappy. Oh, and there was no way to fix it or work on it because there had always been something missing and because he’d already worked on it by trying to suppress his feelings. He didn’t tell me about it sooner because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Then he asked for a divorce and moved out.

This all happened over Christmas break. I spent Christmas alone. My birthday alone. (That was the night he said he’d come home and didn’t). I spent New Year’s Eve – our thirteenth anniversary – alone. Then he moved out. It’s been a terrible shock. I feel abandoned and terrified and lonely and heartbroken. I feel unloved. I obsessively think about him and play over what I want to say to him in mind – and often outloud – over and over. This is almost three months out and I still cry every day, usually multiple times. I still need to sleep with the heating pad for comfort. I still have nightmares where he just tells me he has never loved me and leaves me, again and again, from various strange dream settings. It is excruciating.

This blog is one tool I am going to use to help me move through this. My goal is to work through my grief and work on focusing on myself. My hope is that by blogging, someone might find this comforting in knowing they are not alone in the nightmare that is sudden divorce.

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