Today is Easter and I am alone because of this pandemic. It’s a beautiful, early spring day outside. Partly cloudy, quiet with a slight breeze. I’ve got Bill Withers playing as I move through the day trying to do “normal” things.
I put a spiral ham in the oven, and I’m going to put scalloped potatoes and brussel sprouts in when the ham comes out. I might make a soup also, as I need to use up this bread for croutons.
I made my bed and am cleaning up my bedroom. And then I plan to go out to the porch and tidy it up for spring.
The isolation is getting to me though. Last night I had a strange dream about X leaving me, again. This time the women in his life were telling me they thought he was having an affair. And that I needed to work out more. So obviously I’m still working through some deep hurt.
This morning, as I was tidying up, I was thinking about how I really want to plant herbs. And this made a memory flood into my mind, of the first Easter X and I spent together. It was just the two of us, in the house I rented a room in. We had the whole house to ourselves. I made an Easter scavenger hunt for him. He made me enchiladas. We went to the nursery and got some herbs to pot. We napped together. It was a partly cloudy, quiet early spring day. I remember feeling so content.
So my heart is sad today. I’m not sure I understand this whole healing process, and the longing I have for a person that just isn’t that person. There’s no alternative ending here, and when I think about what could have been, it doesn’t feel like it ever could have been that way. But there were moments I was genuinely happy. And today I’m longing for that.
But I’m also trying to think of today as what it is – a symbol of rebirth, of starting new. While I don’t believe there will be an exact moment of starting new, I do work to move forward into my new life and today is no different. So that’s what I’m doing. I’ll go for a walk, and rake the leaves, and maybe do some laundry. I’ll cook for me, because I deserve that. I’ll reach out to friends and family because they need it just as much as I do. And I’ll honor this quiet, partly cloudy, early spring day for what it is.