Working as a teacher during COVID is beyond hard. I’ve struggled to stay focused, keep going. I’m exhausted.
But today, I had a moment of magic. A kiddo of mine was having an epic meltdown. I had instincts about how to address it. I felt confident in speaking up for what I thought needed to happen. And then I knelt down and helped this little guy get unstuck. I was calm, and zen. I was in the zone.
I haven’t felt like that in a long time. I felt competent and caring. It was exactly what this little guy needed. After, I felt really good.
I felt so good, I wanted to tell someone about it. I wanted to be able to say, I nailed it! I wanted to share how I felt like I was in my element and have that person know I wasn’t being arrogant, to understand how good that feels, and have that person be excited for me. It was a weird tension, pulling in the driveway and just sitting with the feeling with no one to share it with.
I’m pretty certain X wouldn’t have been able to be who I wanted in a moment like this. Empathy was hard for him. I always thought he secretly judged me. And knowing what I know now, he would have been uncomfortable with my moment of success.
So I wasn’t really wishing I had what I once had. I was longing for something new, something better. And while it made me ache with loneliness, I think it’s still a sign of healing.