Tonight, I’m worried I’m broken. I’m alone, on my porch, after a tough day with my pup. She’s lost some teeth, is teething, and continues to be quite reactive, which turns into her lunging at and biting me. It’s been frustrating and I’ve tried to stay positive, but it’s hard.
Then, I had my beloved writing class. I wrote quite a bit this week – a lot for me at least – and I was feeling really good about what I was writing, like I was going somewhere in my story, that the writing didn’t feel like a slog, but actually skirting along good territory. It was starting to feel right and coming together. So when it was my turn to share, I read the chapter that introduced a new character. I was excited and it sounded good to my ear as I read it aloud. My writing teacher, who I adore and knows what she’s talking about, did not love it. She said my story was too small. There were no stakes. And I have to tell you, I had to walk away because I couldn’t stop crying. Willa was barking to go out so that helped. But I stood in the yard, holding her leash, and just sobbed.
The criticism broke me. This week I had been feeling like a writer, actually thinking I could make this writing thing work. The universe started to do that thing where it shows you what you need, like inspiring quotes about following your dreams, and news stories about where my story takes place. I even had glimmers of confidence in myself.
But this little bit of criticism, which I’m sure is warranted, just broke me. And now I’m sitting here wondering what on earth I need to do to not live a shattered life, where I have skin that’s too thin. Where everything hurts me. Because I have to say, this isn’t what I thought my life would be like, and I’m not loving it.
I don’t know why I’m writing this as a blog post. There’s no lesson or neat way to bring everything back together. Honestly, I had such a wave of loneliness sitting on the porch while my crazy puppy throws her chew toy around, not knowing who to even reach out to, I felt like I needed to write, put this out into the universe. Maybe it will come back with a small win. I’m really in need of a win.