Socially Distant

I’ve been pretty isolated since mid-march and it’s really starting to wear me down. While I’ve had slightly more relaxed interactions with my parents (I go into their house and they come into mine) that’s really been the extent. I haven’t arranged distant visits with friends. The best social interactions I have had were going into school to clean and pack up, the parade through town with my co-teacher in the car with me, and a visit from a dear friend and her boyfriend who came up on his motorcycle. We visited in the yard, distant, for an hour or so.

In addition to feeling isolated from people, I have this dog now. She’s really a very sweet, snuggly and silly girl. But she also bites like crazy, can get really rough with it, and barks wildly when she wants something. If I tell her no, she actively looks for ways to do the thing I said no too. She has only slept through the night twice (which I guess is really good, considering she’s just 12 weeks old.). She’s still not potty trained so, if I’m not on top of it, she has accidents. But, I’m doing this alone too, and I have to always be “on.” I’m exhausted, and isolated, and just really struggling.

It’s officially been a year since my divorce. I keep thinking I should be better now. I had imagined I’d be at a different place – healthy, fit, social, maybe even dating. None of those things are true and it’s really got me down.

I’m trying to fight through this. I’m writing. I’m looking hard for the positives. (Willa really has made huge gains. She’s calming down more easily, biting me a lot less, and is able to stop when I redirect her. She likes to play and snuggle, which is just so sweet. We play training games together that are fun. We’re getting there. ) I’m doing little things around the house while Willa naps. I’m slowly tackling the disaster of a yard the previous owners left.

But I’m really done with being socially distant. Before X left, I really thought I didn’t like being social. (I think that was part of his manipulation.) I now know I NEED to be social. And I know being alone is really slowing my healing progress.

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