Today is Easter and I am alone because of this pandemic. It’s a beautiful, early spring day outside. Partly cloudy, quiet with a slight breeze. I’ve got Bill Withers playing as I move through the day trying to do “normal” things.
I put a spiral ham in the oven, and I’m going to put scalloped potatoes and brussel sprouts in when the ham comes out. I might make a soup also, as I need to use up this bread for croutons.
I made my bed and am cleaning up my bedroom. And then I plan to go out to the porch and tidy it up for spring.
The isolation is getting to me though. Last night I had a strange dream about X leaving me, again. This time the women in his life were telling me they thought he was having an affair. And that I needed to work out more. So obviously I’m still working through some deep hurt.
This morning, as I was tidying up, I was thinking about how I really want to plant herbs. And this made a memory flood into my mind, of the first Easter X and I spent together. It was just the two of us, in the house I rented a room in. We had the whole house to ourselves. I made an Easter scavenger hunt for him. He made me enchiladas. We went to the nursery and got some herbs to pot. We napped together. It was a partly cloudy, quiet early spring day. I remember feeling so content.
So my heart is sad today. I’m not sure I understand this whole healing process, and the longing I have for a person that just isn’t that person. There’s no alternative ending here, and when I think about what could have been, it doesn’t feel like it ever could have been that way. But there were moments I was genuinely happy. And today I’m longing for that.
But I’m also trying to think of today as what it is – a symbol of rebirth, of starting new. While I don’t believe there will be an exact moment of starting new, I do work to move forward into my new life and today is no different. So that’s what I’m doing. I’ll go for a walk, and rake the leaves, and maybe do some laundry. I’ll cook for me, because I deserve that. I’ll reach out to friends and family because they need it just as much as I do. And I’ll honor this quiet, partly cloudy, early spring day for what it is.
Happy Easter Kate!!! Much love. I know it’s not been easy but what I keep seeing in you is your willingness to allow yourself to feel, to hear your own heart, to not accept lies ex “capitalized” on. To remember the good parts. To be real, and to keep going THROUGH! You are not alone! Even though I have been mia a lot lately for you, I think about you all the time and pray for you.
You’re in a season, it’s not forever and your are going forward.
I’m glad you’re cooking for you! I’m going to try dying eggs with beet juice!! Haha and maybe cabbage? It feels like something you would do! Very artsy! And trying something new.
Hope your work is going well online! It’s exhausting isn’t it? I hear you’re savvy and have a great setup! Of course!
Take care Kate! Have a great day loving you! I do too! 😉
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Thank you, Sheila, for your beautiful words. This whole thing has become my new normal. I’m really ready for what’s next! But it seems the universe has something else in mind, keeping us all locked up in our homes. Maybe that’s a good thing – it’s really forcing me to sit with those feelings! I hope you are well and think of you often too. Sending you lots of love right back! Have fun dying your eggs – I want to see how they come out!