Repeating Revelations

Being alone 24/7 due to social distancing has given me a lot of time with my thoughts. In the past two weeks, I’ve had a few really important revelations that I’m pretty sure I’ve had before.

Last week, I was engaged in an imaginary conversation with X (while I still do this, it’s much less frequent that when he first left). I was talking with him about being alone in the middle of this crisis and not having him here, and I said to him, “The truth is, I’m glad I’m not going through this with you. If we were stuck in a house together, you’d be on your computer all the time. You’d be freaking out, going to the worst case scenario, and withdrawing into yourself. And I’d have to be the problem solver, trying to hold us both up.” And man was this a revelation. I’m better off without him. At least now, I can hold myself up, and can be a problem solver with work and my personal space and needs. And I have the space to have grace with myself. I’m so much better off.

This week, I was listening to a podcast and the host and her guest were talking about being seen by your partner. They were sharing that, while it’s so scary and vulnerable to be seen by someone as you truly are, it’s also incredibly amazing. I cried as I remembered my conversations with my therapist about how painful it was that X didn’t see me, both in my marriage and in his leaving. I remembered that, while there were nice moments, and I think even genuine gestures of affection, he just didn’t see me. It was so very hurtful and I don’t deserve that in my life. I deserve to be seen.

These are not new revelations. I’ve had them before, multiple times. It’s so interesting to me how in the moment of having them, they feel, well, revelatory. I think this process of healing, of overcoming, of struggle and growth – it’s not a to-do list and once you realize something you can cross it off the list and move on. I have to keep realizing it, over and over, until I understand it in my core.