Over the past couple of months, I’ve had a crush on a guy. And the amazing thing was I was getting signals that he might actually like me back. I was really excited. The best part was I really believed he could see me for me. I felt like it was possible for someone to see that I am amazing and beautiful, even though I’m fat.
This is one of my biggest fears. I’m pretty sure that one of the reasons X lost interest in me was because I got heavy. I know that’s not the only reason, but I do think it was a factor. My therapist reminded me that, if that’s true, it’s evidence of how shallow a person he is. And there’s definitely other evidence he is shallow. But the idea that no one could love me because I’m fat is pretty embedded.
Then I found out the guy I liked was just looking for a hook-up. That he has a reputation for this. And, while I already had felt a little put off by a couple of our interactions, the knowledge that he didn’t really see me the way I feel, or want to be seen, was a bit heartbreaking. I thought I had evidence that I could be seen for me, fat and all. I know intellectually this doesn’t mean it’s not true. But I do feel sad with that evidence gone. It’s making it hard to hold on to the belief that I am lovable.