Pulling Over

Tonight I left work feeling rejected. A small hope I had about an encounter I envisioned in my head with this guy I have a crush on didn’t materialize, despite my efforts. There are a myriad of reasons why that might be, so many that are not about rejection. But there I was having anxiety over it, right in my solar plexus, a gut punch.

This is the impact of X’s betrayal. Here I am, trying to put myself out there, just a little. I really think it’s possible he is actually trying to put himself out there a bit too. And the smallest thing feels like rejection, even when, objectively, it wasn’t.

As I drove home last night, I began to cry. And those tears turned into sobs. I began yelling at X again, like in the beginning of this mess. I was yelling about how he did this to me. How he stole from me companionship and confidence, how he stole my dream of a family. It was so intense, I had to pull the car over.

I sat for 20 minutes and cried. I texted a friend to say outloud what I was feeling. I got my bearings and was able to drive again. And by the end of the evening, I had genuinely calmed down.

I decided I was going to continue to put myself out there, even if I do get rejected, knowing that when that happens, it’s going to hurt a lot, more than makes sense. I made this decision knowing that these feelings are going to be big at first, because X did cause damage. What he did was intensely hurtful. But I decided that there is absolutely no way I am going to let this small, coward of a man shrink me any more, or make me stop living a life that I can create.

And when the feelings become outsized, intense and irrational, I’m going to pull over so I can get my bearings again.