A Crush

So I have a confession to make – I have a crush! It’s the first crush I’ve had in 14 years, and I have to say, it’s really fun!

This guy and I barely talk, and he thought my name was Kath until just a few days ago, but I swear, he’s interested in me too. I keep catching him looking at me. And now that he knows my name, he says it when he asks how I’m doing. “How are you, Kate?” It’s good. It’s really good.

I don’t know him so this crush is just based purely on attraction. But here’s the coolest thing : while sometimes I think to myself, “I’m fat, why would he be attracted to me?”, I don’t actually believe that thought! I sense him looking at me ALL the time, and when I look, he looks away. He’s looking at me!

So, I’m going to trust my gut. I also need to try hard not to spend too much mental energy on silly fantasies like, he looses his apartment and needs a place to crash for a few days, and hey, I’ve got a spare room and a futon. (That was yesterday’s fun fantasy!) . Instead, I’m going to try to make myself be a bit vulnerable. I’m going to try talking to him more. I’m going to make eye contact and smile, instead of averting my eyes when I’m nervous.

The best part of this is I don’t feel like this is really going to go anywhere. I am enjoying just the crush, and pushing myself to be vulnerable. I’m enjoying the feeling that someone might find me interesting, maybe even attractive. I am enjoying feeling good.

A year out from abandonment, and I’m feeling good and enjoying myself. I’ll call that a win!

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