A few days ago I was driving home in daylight hours and noticed a bunch of bright red berries growing on the side of the road near my house. These winter berries are so beautiful and I’ve always wanted to cut some to put in a vase and bring inside. As I was thinking about this, I had a flashback to my time living in NH with X. This time of year I would always comment on how nice it would be to pull over and cut some. I would ask if we could do that some day. I would suggest how lovely it would be. I remember even thinking, I’ve dropped some hints – maybe he’ll surprise me! But we never stopped and he never surprised me. I know, you might be thinking, “why didn’t you just go get them yourself?” It’s an excellent question and the only real answer I have is that when I would make suggestions and he would say no or just say nothing (which was more often), I would shrink myself down. I intentionally made myself small to fit into his small, shallow world. It’s so funny how I can see my patterns so clearly now but everything was so foggy back then.
Anyway, having this memory made me more determined to get those darn berries! I even made a plan! I bought shears at Lowe’s. I scheduled my berry picking around my grocery pick-up time (and before the freezing rain started). And today, I put on my Weller Whale Wellies (Extra Tuffs from dear friends) and set out!
It took all of ten minutes. I only got enough to fill one vase, because that’s all I needed. But I am so ridiculously proud of myself. I wanted to do something, so I just did it. May seem small to an outsider, but I feel amazingly strong and empowered. And now I’m thoroughly enjoying my beautiful red berries!