I woke up this morning from the craziest dream. I dreamed that I went out to dinner with my parents and aunt and uncle and as we were being seated, I looked down over the balcony and saw X, there with his wife and two other drop dead gorgeous women. Somehow, in true dream fashion that makes no sense, we ended up talking, just the two of us in the restaurant after closing, and I was able to ask him questions. I don’t remember my questions. But I remember him telling me that he knows he handled everything poorly because everyone had to see him go through this (like, it wouldn’t be so bad if no one knew what he did). He also told me he didn’t miss me. He told me all the things that were wrong with me, all the reasons I wasn’t the woman he wanted. My first impression upon waking was, maybe this was a more compassionate way of seeing his story? Then I thought, I’m still the same person not living my life. In the dream, he and his wife were active and had friends and did things with friends, while I was just a sad shell, still, like I was in our marriage.
Seriously, these were my thoughts upon waking. Not, “What a fucking asshole for making me feel this way, for saying and doing things that no kind person would ever say or do! Seriously, my first thoughts were, maybe I can see his side with compassion. I think back on all the times I did this in some way in our relationship, tried to understand his perspective. Dismissed his lack of attention or care or concern as me just over-reacting, or not understanding his side of things. What the actual fuck? That’s not the kind of woman I am at my core. How did it get like this? I felt small in the dream. I think so often he made me feel small in our marriage. My belief that I’m not really good enough is so deep seated it’s even showing up in my dreams.
As I drove to work, I noticed my thoughts had changed. I didn’t feel that churning stomach feeling that usually lingers with dreams like this. I thought, I’m not going to let him make me feel like this is my fault. I seriously think he confused me by gaslighting our relationship and now is he doing it from the relationship grave? Could they really be so much happier? Was I really the problem? How am I so fucked in the head? When I woke up, there was very much a feeling of me being the sad lonely sack left behind and him living this glam life with his beautiful new wife and their beautiful friends. But I shook that feeling pretty quickly, more quickly than in the past. I’m grateful for these small markers of healing.