Bleck.

It’s been a hard couple of weeks. Since my friends from Alaska left, I’ve felt really down and alone. It’s honestly been a bit of a “poor me” spiral. First of all, bleck. Who wants to be around that? Not me. Second of all, I’m not really sure what’s causing it. I’ve been sick, which doesn’t help. I went to the doctor and it’s either strep throat, which we’re currently treating, or lyme disease, because of course it is.

But this funk is not just because I’ve been sick. I feel crazy behind and off my game at work. I have been having more dreams about X again, which makes me so angry. The guy is a fucking asshole. Why can’t I just get him out of my head!? I also have been feeling kind of hopeless. I keep thinking about how I’m so fat and no one will give me a chance or find me attractive while I’m fat so I can’t even begin to think about finding love until I lose weight. Which is that “woe-is-me” thinking and also, I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to lose weight for someone else, especially some fictional person I’ve made up in my head. I don’t actually want to be thinking about finding love at all. Also, I don’t want to be this victim. I want to scream “Fuck this shit” with every action I take. I want to defy the odds and rise up stronger than I’ve ever been. Why am I having such a hard time actually doing it? I mean, seriously, a call from the vet threw me out of sync for days…

So tonight I started the hunt for a new therapist. Clearly I still need help and guidance. I’m not succeeding on my own. And while I’m having a hard time asking for help from my family, I can ask for help from a therapist. That will be my commitment to myself this week. Maybe that’s badass enough for right now. X never got help. He never even thought he had a problem. He just jumped into bed with another woman and smothered any signs that something was wrong with him. But I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to let myself drown in a puddle of self pity. I’m not going to let this situation define me. I’m going to claw my way out of this and be the better for it.