I haven’t really been able to read since X left. My brain just hasn’t been able to focus. But I have been able to listen to audio books, and right now I am listening to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. It’s light, a good example for my own dream of writing children’s books, and has me contemplating my own life.
Right now I’m at the part of the story where Dumbledore explains to Harry what the Mirror of Erised does. It shows the viewer their deepest desires, that the happiest person in the world would look in the mirror and see only themself. Harry’s desire was to see his family. Ron’s was to be recognized on his own, instead of overshadowed by his older brothers. It had me wondering, what would the mirror of Erised show me?
I knew the answer almost at once. It would show me with a partner who truly loved me. My deepest desire is to be loved by someone. To be truly seen. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I continued with X, even as there were big red flags about his selfishness. I really think it’s because I so desperately needed him to love me. I believed that no one would ever love me like he did. And I struggled to find a crumb of validation of his love. In the journal entry I found from five years ago, I wrote, as evidence that he loved me, that he would rest his hand on my leg when we drove in the car together. Crumbs.
And now, looking back, I think I knew that X didn’t really love me. Between the possible explanations of, he never really loved me and, he has rewritten history to justify his actions, I think the “he never really loved me” explanation feels more like truth. But is that because it’s true and on a subconscious level I sensed that he never really loved me, or is that because I never really believed myself to be lovable? How do I know the difference?
I have a lot of work to do on self-love and knowing, deep down, that I am worthy of love.