Limbo

Everything in my life right now is in limbo. The house, a job, where I’ll live, it’s just all unknown. I hate this feeling. If I could rub a magic lamp and have a genie grant me one wish, it would be to jump ahead one month, to the day I leave Alaska. I don’t want to skip all of it, just the limbo.

The house is currently under contract, but we are stuck in the back and forth of negotiating the repair addendum. The buyer seems to be asking for me to make all the repairs from the engineer report, plus give an additional 10k credit for “future repairs.” Seriously. And I know I just need to get rid of the house, but that’s just ridiculous! So who knows… it might have to be listed again. I don’t want to be paying for this mortgage when I’m not even living in it! Ugh.

I started applying for jobs back east, and have a few more that I want to apply for. But no interview offers yet. I’m nervous. Part of me doesn’t want to get hired and just go volunteer at the animal shelter instead. (Don’t worry mom, I’m still applying!)

While I wait, I have a lot of house work to do. I need to pack up boxes of books to ship media rate. But I don’t want to do that if the house needs to go back on the market, because it needs to look good for showing! So I’m kind of in a holding pattern. I could work on the shed, but it’s been raining for the past two days. Plus I had this whole plan for staging things in the house to keep organized for selling, and now I can’t because I don’t know if things will fall through on the house. Limbo.

And of course the big thing weighing on me this weekend is the divorce hearing. It’s on Monday. I have a band of friends who will be waiting for me outside the courthouse. We’re all going to go out for drinks after. It will be good to not be alone. But I’m so scared of seeing him. I’m scared that he’ll be cocky and confident. Defiant. I’ve had moments where I want to be like that, but it wouldn’t be honest. Instead I’ll just recite “Strong back, soft front, stand your sacred ground.” (Thanks, Brene Brown. Seriously, read her stuff).

I’ve also been really wrestling with how I’ll engage with him, if at all. I don’t want to talk to him, mostly because I don’t think I can control what comes out of my mouth. But also because I don’t think he is entitled to know what I think. But then, I think, I have a right to speak. I have a right to be heard. So tonight I wrote him another letter that I’ll never send. This time it was a good-bye letter. I told him how much he hurt me. I told him how strong I’ve discovered I am. I told him I am learning how loved I am and how I am worthy of that love. I said I didn’t want to have further contact with him. Then I signed off by telling him I loved him deeply. And I have been crying for hours since.

It’s the line “I loved you deeply” that really is getting to me. I did love him so much. That’s why this whole things hurts so badly. I really, really loved him and I hurt knowing he didn’t love me.

So tonight is a sad night. The hearing will be sad too. I’ll probably cry. And I guess that’s okay because it is sad. Hopefully after the hearing, I’ll be at least a little out of limbo, I’ll have this behind me, I will know more about the next steps, and I can start taking them. Say a little prayer for me to be strong during the hearing. Thanks.