In My Head

With the exception of Poker Night on Saturday, and a couple of errands where I said hello and thank you to the store employees, I have spent the past three days alone. Now that school is out, I have started sleeping better. In fact, I am getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night, with minimal interruptions! This has not happened since X left, so in some ways it feels like I’m finally catching up on sleep! The downside is that I am not going to bed until midnight, since it’s still light out. So I’m waking up late. I’m not having coffee until 9:30. I’m not eating breakfast until 10:30 or 11. And then the day is all out of wack. Throw in minimal contact with people, and I’m officially in a funk.

Last night I went to bed crying. I was doing this thing I sometimes do where I talk aloud, directly to X, and tell him what I’m thinking and feeling. It’s what I would say to him if he was here in that moment, but I say it aloud. I don’t know if that’s a sane thing, and maybe I shouldn’t even admit it, but somehow it makes me feel, I don’t know, real? Alive? I’m not sure why I do it, I guess. Anyway, last night, as I was in bed trying to fall asleep, I was telling X how he’d ruined my life, how I wanted a family and he stole that from me, and I wept. I cried until I fell asleep.

Then this morning, I awoke in a funk that lasted all day. I cried a lot today. I thought about Moose. But mostly, I thought about X. I thought about what he did and how my future is so unsure. I cried about leaving, about feeling lonely, about not wanting to take any of the next steps I need to take.

My divorce hearing is a week from today. It’s been weighing on me. I don’t want to see him or sit in a room with him. I don’t want to talk to him. In fact, I’ve been rehearsing what I will say if he does try to talk to me. My rehearsals haven’t been going well. My line is, “I have nothing to say to you.” But then I imagine what he might say in response, and then I respond, and soon my “I have nothing to say,” turns into, “I have SO MUCH to say to you!” So I still need to practice that one…

I’ve been in my head. I can’t turn off my thoughts today. They keep rolling around and getting stuck. I know it’s only been five months since he left, but I just don’t know how much more of these days I can take. I’m so ready to just be on the other side of this, to be doing things for me because that’s natural and not uncomfortable, and to be out of my head, or at least thinking of anything but X. I can guarantee he’s not thinking about me.

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