Today I am feeling unbelievably grateful for my mother. She has been there for me at every moment of this horrible process, even though she’s far away. She answers the phone when I call. She texts. She lets me cry on the phone when I just need to cry, which is often. She’s offered encouraging words and validation that this whole thing sucks and I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. She’s offered financial help. And she believes that everything will work out, even when I don’t. It’s an incredible gift and I’m grateful to have that kind of support from her. I wish I could spend the day with her, but I know I will be back home soon enough.
I have been thinking about my mother in law today as well. I know she is feeling hurt by her son’s actions, confused by his choices, and fear that she is to blame for his bad choices in life (she is not – he’s a grown man who has made his own choices). That’s got to be an awful feeling, to watch your child make mistakes that are so hurtful. She loves him unconditionally, as a mother does. I am holding her in my heart today too, and am grateful for her empathy for me as I struggle through.
I have also been thinking about my dream to be a mother myself. I almost had that, until I miscarried. I think about my dream to have a family with X, how he said he wanted that too. How he lied and lied and lied. We could have ended our marriage a long time ago. I could have tried to find someone else to start a family with, if that wasn’t what he really wanted. It feels like it will be so much harder to do that now. I might have to adopt or try artificial insemination. But I’m 39 and running out of time. It’s hard to hold on to hope.
But even so, all morning I have been imagining sitting on my couch, with a little girl snuggled up next to me and my arm around her, kissing the top of her head. Maybe if I imagine it enough, I can will it into existence.