I keep thinking about and talking about “the next stage of my life.” There is such a division in my mind between being married to X, our life together in Alaska, and the moment I move back east. There is such a big part of me that feels like I’m slinking back home in failure. And in some ways it’s true – my marriage has failed. But the more time I spend ruminating on why it ended, the more I believe that while I was imperfect and struggled with things, I actually tried. I attempted to address problems with X. I thought about and tried to take actions that considered his thoughts (when he actually shared them). Even though our marriage failed, I am not a failure.
Still, part of me is resisting the move home. I don’t want my marriage to end, even though it has. I feel a part of me holding on. My thoughts constantly go to him. I keep thinking about my life here. I’m struggling to say goodbye to my classroom and school. And I have the largest To-Do list staring at me every evening when I get home.
I’m struggling to tackle this to-do list. The house needs to be listed so it can sell, but there are 50 things to do before it can be listed. Once those items are complete, there’s another hundred items to do. I have to pack up my classroom. I need to apply for jobs. I need to sell a bunch of stuff so it’s not so expensive to move. It’s overwhelming. And when I get overwhelmed I shut down. The optimism that I’ve had about this next stage in my life starts to wither away and is replaced by doubt and uncertainty.
I don’t know for certain that moving back east is the right decision. But I think it’s the next step. I don’t know how I move on in this town with constant reminders of him. And I think I need my family. But it’s scary and the to-do list is daunting and I’m so flipping exhausted. I wish there was a pause button. Bet the never ending to-do list calls…