This past Saturday I completed my third 5k of the spring. I walked all of them – haven’t even tried running. But I don’t care. I’m so damn proud of getting out and doing it! My friend Dara invited me to do the first one and we’ve just kept going. She could totally run. But she walks with me. It’s a kindness I am so grateful for.
At the first 5k, at the very end, we had to walk past X and B. We were on the same sidewalk. It was so awful that after they passed I doubled over. X couldn’t even make eye contact with me.
They were at Saturday’s 5k too. I handled it better. They saw me at the start when we were all mulling around and slinked away. I thought he didn’t look very good – just kind of scruffy and uncomfortable. I don’t mean to judge physical appearance since I certainly don’t want anyone judging me that way. But I was so excited that my first impression was that he didn’t look great. I have no idea if objectively this was true. I’m just happy that this was my reaction. When we were together I thought he was so attractive. I think it’s good that wasn’t my reaction today.
I’ve enjoyed tackling these races. They’ve helped me set goals and feel like I’m out living life. Even though it was chilly at today’s start, the sun came out and it was a beautiful walk through neighborhoods and along the river.
It was also nice to chat with my friend. We talked a lot about taking care of ourselves and what that looks like. I shared a bit about how I struggled to do that in my marriage, as his lack of action on doing anything to help me take better care of myself made me feel like it was impossible. Instead of just saying, “Fuck that, I’m doing this for me” I became more and more immobile – literally and figuratively. And now, here I am. I’m doing things. I’ve spent every night this week cleaning out the shed. I’m walking these 5ks. I’m making plans for my Alaska bucket list before I leave. I’m selling this house. I’m moving – literally and figuratively!