Purging

Yesterday was rough. But today was much better. I stayed home from work with a migraine that started with the 5k in the hot sun – I get them when I exercise in the sun and have been so used to Alaskan winter I didn’t even plan for it. I didn’t sleep because of it, so took the day to rest.

But instead, I was restless. So I slowly worked on the wool. Then I moved the shelves and arranged that corner to show the house. And I kept going! I moved the coffee table. Then I started on the shed.

This is a big deal. The shed was X’s job. He always brought things to it and retrieved things from it. There was zero organization. Things were just shoved in there. A couple of times I suggested we tackle it. Guess what? It never happened. Part of that was my fault. I’d put a little bit out there, to see if he’d bite. He wouldn’t. I’d slink back. It’s a pattern I see so clearly now and so wish I understood it while we were together. And I could have just done it without him. I’m not sure I understand why I didn’t. But I’m doing it now.

I began by pulling tubs out to the deck and sorting through them. I found two boxes of random papers and other shit. This was X’s preferred cleaning method – box it up and hide it. I’m so glad I went through everything! I found the engineer report from when we bought the house, among other important paperwork.

I found a bunch of old clothes, both his and mine, along with a bunch of his shoes. They went to the transfer site. So did his old climbing jacket. It was his favorite and he wore it for years until it no longer kept him warm. A man who looked like he needed it scooped it up at the transfer site. I kind of felt guilty for leaving it there instead of reaching out to him to see if he wanted it. But then I remembered he is a lying two-faced piece of horseshit. And he already took everything he wanted out of the shed. Do you know how I know this?

Because I packed things up for him. Things like dishes, pots and pans, and his Christmas ornaments. Apparently he took what he wanted and left the rest in the shed. For me to deal with. He couldn’t even be bothered to take them to the transfer site. One tub apparently once held outdoor gear. All that it holds now is part of a broken backpacking stove, a ripped pack raincover, some random product specific stuff sacks, and a couple of broken buckles. That’s right – he took out the stuff he wanted and left the shit for me to deal with.

He even left some framed prints and camera equipment. Not the good stuff, no the prints he couldn’t sell or the equipment he could no longer use.

This feels so unbelievably emblematic of the way he left. He took what he wanted and high-tailed it out of here, leaving me in the dust to pick up the mess. I am astonished by all the ways he didn’t consider me.

So despite the lingering migraine, I spent my afternoon purging. It actually felt kind of good. It felt like movement. It felt like progress. And while my living room is currently in the chaotic stage of cleaning that feels like I’ve made things worse, I know it’s getting better. I took a big load to the trash. I even got brave and brought Moose’s bed, a bag of his toys, and a big box of treats to the animal shelter to donate (which was much more emotionally challenging than the shed purge). If I can keep up this momentum, I’ll definitely be ready for real estate photos this weekend. Yay for moving forward!

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