Choices

One of the thoughts I’ve been struggling with a lot lately is whether or not X made the right decision by leaving. As I’ve been working through things on my own and with the support of my therapist, I am realizing there were lots of aspects of our relationship that I was unhappy with. He really didn’t respect me in a lot of different ways. So then I keep asking myself, is this for the best? Was this meant to be? And if so, does that mean he was right? I don’t like the idea of that, for pride’s sake. But it also doesn’t seem possible, since he caused so much pain.

After really wrestling with this for the past few months, I feel like I’ve come to an answer for myself. I don’t believe that things happen for a reason. I believe things happen. And when they do, we are faced with choices in how to respond. X was struggling with unhappiness. He made choices about how to address that (or ignore it, suppress it, as was the case). About how to consider me (or not, as was the case) in his decision making process. He made choices about what his values were and aligned his actions.

He could have made different choices. Problems in our marriage could have been worked on mutually. We could have worked together toward something more meaningful and deep and worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears it would have required.

X made choices – horrible, destructive choices, but his choices nonetheless. And now I have to do the same. I have to make choices about how to move on. About how to let go. About how to give myself the love and gentle kindness I deserve.