The last two weeks have actually been pretty good. I had been feeling a bit like I turned a corner. I could feel myself standing taller. I was finding joy in things, like listening to music as I unloaded the dishwasher and dancing as I stacked the plates. I took a pottery class (with the gift card X apparently got me for Christmas or my birthday – I don’t know, he just left it on my dresser for me to find as he walked out on me). The most amazing part of the pottery class was that I walked in there and felt comfortable in my own skin. I wasn’t in the slightest self-conscious and I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt that way. I’ve been walking my puppers and now two days in a row I hit 10,000 steps! I got teary a couple of times over those weeks, but for the first time since X left, I had a couple of days here and there when I didn’t cry. I was feeling stronger.
Then, this morning, I woke up from yet another dream of him. I don’t remember what happened in the dream, but waking up felt lonely. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, but I couldn’t because the animals needed to be fed and go outside. I wanted to stay home and read, but had to get dressed and go to a meeting. Then I left my meeting, sat in the car, and started to cry.
It’s gloomy out. It’s the weekend. And I’m alone. The sadness is hanging out with me today. I do feel stronger, even as I sit here in the car typing this post and crying. I decided to turn into the local bird sanctuary for a view as I write. I made a choice to write to help process my feelings. But the loneliness is sitting in my chest.
I know I am growing stronger and I know I’m moving forward. I know that I’m better off than I was when he walked out on me. But these days, where the sadness seeps and doesn’t let up, these days are still really hard. I just need to keep reminding myself that this journey will be two steps forward, and one step back.