The Day to Day

I’m really struggling with immense sadness this morning. Over the past few months I’ve felt very mixed and complicated emotions. Anger and longing and fear all simultaneously. But this morning I’m just simply sad. Heartbroken. For the first time in this process I truly miss my husband. I miss what we used to have, before things went south. I miss the companionship, the small acts of kindness, the laughter and the togetherness.

That was definitely missing this past year. I thought it was because I continued to grieve my miscarriage from the summer before. I thought it was because the complications from my pregnancy made walking painful. I thought it was because I felt down about myself, about my body. I thought it was because I was growing depressed.

It may have been those things. They may have played a role. It was certainly the first time in our marriage that I had needed to ask X for extended support. That support would have meant sacrificing some time spent on his own personal goals and hobbies. It’s clear he didn’t want to make those sacrifices.

So I feel sadness for the loss of him, and the loss of his love. I feel sadness for the loss of his love, as in the verb, the action. I feel heartbroken that he chose not to love me. Sad that he couldn’t sit with me and help me work through things. I am sad to think he was so unhappy with me. And I feel sad that I now need to walk this next chapter of healing alone.

I feel all of this while I’m cleaning up the bathroom from having spent the past two days painting it. I sit and cry for a spell in between loading the dishwasher and tidying up the living room. I pause to weep while feeding the dog. This is the day to day of my sadness. I haven’t stopped moving. I am upright. But I am incredibly sad.

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