As you can tell from my blog title, I am currently going through a divorce. After thirteen years as partners, eight and a half years married, X told me he wasn’t in love with me any more. In fact, he hadn’t been in love with me for a while. His reasons were all over the place – I had anger issues, it wasn’t my fault, he wanted to spend more time climbing and hiking, and he just was unhappy. Oh, and there was no way to fix it or work on it because there had always been something missing and because he’d already worked on it by trying to suppress his feelings. He didn’t tell me about it sooner because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Then he asked for a divorce and moved out.
This all happened over Christmas break. I spent Christmas alone. My birthday alone. (That was the night he said he’d come home and didn’t). I spent New Year’s Eve – our thirteenth anniversary – alone. Then he moved out. It’s been a terrible shock. I feel abandoned and terrified and lonely and heartbroken. I feel unloved. I obsessively think about him and play over what I want to say to him in mind – and often outloud – over and over. This is almost three months out and I still cry every day, usually multiple times. I still need to sleep with the heating pad for comfort. I still have nightmares where he just tells me he has never loved me and leaves me, again and again, from various strange dream settings. It is excruciating.
This blog is one tool I am going to use to help me move through this. My goal is to work through my grief and work on focusing on myself. My hope is that by blogging, someone might find this comforting in knowing they are not alone in the nightmare that is sudden divorce.